When I was driving up a steep road through pitch-black nothingness the other night with a bunch of people I barely knew, their two dogs and three chainsaws in the trunk, I thought to myself: “I guess, I’m not a particularly anxious person.” I eat crickets, I tell boys when I like them and my dream job has something to do with HIV, heroin and the Third World. In fact, I can only think of very few things that I’m really afraid of. I’m going to share one of those with you now, hoping for some reassurance. My other anxieties I won’t share, because they don’t make me look good. So don’t bother asking, I will take them to my grave.
So, one thing that I’m dead afraid of is not having access to the wild. As flower-powery as that may sound: when I go from one side of a city to the other and it takes me hours (plural!) and I don’t see anything natural, except for roadside flowerbeds, on my entire way, I get nauseous and tense. The idea of concrete slowly spreading all around me, acre for acre, until there is no easy way out, makes my breath go flat and my hands sweaty. It’s a kind of claustrophobia, I guess, but a mean one, since I can’t avoid it by just taking the stairs. It collides with my love for pretty cafés and cultural stuff, because you usually find those right at the core of those terrifying concrete deserts we call cities.
I only fully realise how living in the city gnaws on my brain, when I’m out in the wop wops (Kiwi for “janz weit draußen”). Then, I wake up to the birds singing, dance out onto dew-covered grass, hug a tree, make out with a sunflower, hump the ground for a bit and start my day feeling happier and healthier than I ever do in the city. Anybody with me on that? Or, even more fascinating to me: anybody who doesn’t feel stressed in the city at all, ever? People who actually like it? I’m seriously interested, so please let me know.
Ok, one more anxiety of mine for you guys, to round this up: You know how there’s crystal clear apple juice and the kind that’s foggy? The clear kind gives me the creeps. No idea why.
Oh, and the chainsaws were for making firewood not for a massacre.