So damn uninspired

Stormy_SkyWow. This hasn’t happened to me in a long while. I have absolutely nothing to say. Every time I  consult my brain on what’s been going on up there these days, it just makes this ‘Meeeh!’ sound and shoves me away. It’s behaving like a sulking teenager that doesn’t want to talk about it. I’ve been trying to soften its mood with chocolate, sunny days on the beach, dress shopping, wonderful dinners amongst friends… nothing helps. My brain might lighten up for a couple of hours in the presence of others, but in the background it remains a grumpy, brooding lump of grey matter.

I’ve learnt that some things can’t be forced and moody teenagers are better left alone until they’ve processed whatever is bugging them. So, I’ve decided to not put any pressure on my brain and just let it cook in its own stew for a while. It’ll speak up eventually and tell me what it needs, I’m sure…

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Sili was here.

Phew. That was some unexpected crying at the airport. A few days ago I prepared my German friend, who stayed with us for a few weeks, that she shouldn’t be offended if I’m really stoic when we say goodbye, because that’s just how I roll: I only miss people when they’ve been away for a while and I suck at pretending anything else. Well, that seems to be a not-so-stable trait of mine, because when that friend disappeared into the duty free area, I started sobbing like my mommy had just taken away my candy and locked me alone in my room.

The analogy really works, because Sili is kind of both: the candy and the mommy. A rrrrraaaeally fun kind of candy, like popping candy, or no, wait! Ahoj Brause!Ahoj Brause Obviously! Sweet, bubbly and a little explosive. Also mixes very well with Vodka. Oh my god, this metaphor is so good, I’m having a little bit of a metaphor orgasm.

Right. Where was I? She also has a motherly touch, because damn- that girl can care! She cares the shit out of you, if you let her- and let her you should! Because she doesn’t only care about every single (to normal people numbingly tedious) detail of your life, she’s also willing to give you some serious validation based on every single experience she’s ever made, and every single experience her Millions of good friends, former and present roommates, family members, ex-boyfriends of family members, psychologists of friends of friends, friends’ former family members, fun former flings, friendly far-away fans, …

…where was I? I don’t know how she keeps them all together. Maybe with the help of that little book in which she listed every single person that should receive a postcard from NZ. The list was a page long. Two columns!!! If she forgot you, it wasn’t because you weren’t on there, but because the NZ postcard production couldn’t keep up with her consumption.

*sigh*

We had a lot of fun.

Even bigger *sigh*

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you nor make a cartoon about the fun we had, because this blog post was pre-censored by Sili herself: “If this ends up on your blog, I will kill you.” was the beginning of our most memorable nights .

D A N K E S C H Ö N

Guys, thank you all so much for following, commenting and sharing! I’m having so much fun running this blog and that is entirely due to your guys attention. I get ridiculously excited over every comment- such witty and caring readers I have! Please keep it up! Getting to know you and getting a little insight in what you make of my rambling  is like christmas, birthday and easter all mixed together in one eggy cake laden chocolate awesomeness with gifts.

You make me feel a bit smug

And also very grateful

My private parts are leaving facebook

I won’t share my blog posts on facebook anymore. To get notice when I post new things, you can make use of the “follow me- weee!” button on the right side of this page (is it the right? I suffer from left-right-confusion. Yes. That’s a thing!!!). Then, you will get annoying e-mails e v e r y single time I barf up a new piece of nuisance (self-depricating much? Mnaaaw, must be those days of the month…).

Why, you might ask. I don’t really have an answer to that. I just feel weird about my blog posts piling up on my facebook profile.

However, you are very welcome to share posts that you like on fb, or just like the shit out of me. Every share and like makes my winning of the Nobel prize for literature much more probable (or for peace. I’d take peace, too.). Which will make me rich and famous, which will make me buy you a drink, when we meet and you’re like “Hey, I shared your blog once!”. So, everybody wins (eventually).

And this is how I imagine myself winning the Nobel prize:

nobel prize

Friendship

friends

One thing I discovered over the last year, was that I have friends. Not just people that look good next to me on pictures or that occasionally like my facebook status. Real friends.

My friends are the awesome kind. They taught me that it is always possible to laugh, no matter how fucked up the world is.  They find the patience in them to tell me the same things over and over and over again, because they know that I need to hear them, even when I claim that I absolutely don’t  want to hear them. Which tells you that they know me very, very well. Knowing me very well gives you access to a whole lot of eloquent bullshitting. If it wasn’t for them, I probably wouldn’t even realize that.

My friends provoke me to express my true feelings, and help me define what I believe in, and where I want to go. They don’t alter their judgement,  when they know they’re right, even if it means that I’ll be angry at them for a while. They trust that I will eventually profit more from hearing the truth than from being pampered.

To have friends like this – and in plural! – is probably the thing that I’m most grateful for in life (obviously, apart from my amazing rack and dad’s BMW). I don’t quite know, how I found them, but I know they will stick with me. That wasn’t always the case. Throughout my teenage years, I never quite believed that people would actually like me, if they really knew me. When I left to travel or live in other countries, I always felt like a liar , when I said that I was going to miss everyone. Really, I felt mostly relieved when the wheels of the airplane took off the ground. When it’s always you who leaves, nobody can ever leave you, right?

As some of you might know, I did a special little excursion to a mental hospital last year, because that is such a cool thing to do for my generation. In all honesty: it wasn’t that much fun. However, when I think back to that time, and the stretch of  scary, dark, and suffocatingly sad preceding months, these little islands of happy memories light up right in the middle of all the crap that happened. And those islands prove that my friends were there the entire time, no matter how grumpy, antisocial, bitter, exhausted, needy and aggressive I became. Now I don’t have to fear that one day, they’ll find out what a terrible person I am, and turn their back on me. I was a terrible person and they’re still with me. And really: when I left for New Zealand, I didn’t feel relieved at all. I was close to tears throughout the entire 32 hour flight. Never felt so right in the head in my life!

(Having coffee and cigarettes in front of my favorite café on a crisp spring day. Stirring in a pot of risotto in a kitchen of a flat I don’t live in. Heated discussions over some awful wine we would later eat backwards. Sitting on a sunny spot in Munich, laughing over a joke we’ve invented when we were about 12. Talking about boys and eating twizzlers in a Third Reich museum. Walking through frosty Weimar, fighting over Thomas Mann once more. Having banana pancakes in a village near Barcelona. Spending an hour searching for a video of an idiotic laugh, laughing idiotically about it at the same time. Spontaneously driving to Munich in the middle of the night. Having the way a molecule is transported into a glass fibre by lasers explained to me over Apfelschorle. Driving through a snowstorm to buy a pregnancy test in the middle of the night. Imitating a whale in a black lake somewhere in the Black Forest. Smoking on a Dutch rooftop. I could go one forever. Was this really the worst year of my life??)

While sitting, eating, drinking, talking, laughing, walking, dancing, cooking, biking, and sleeping alongside these people I was genuinely happy, no matter how hard it had been to get out of my bed earlier in the morning. And at some point, I knew I needed to go to a hospital, because I couldn’t make myself get up at all anymore, not even to spend time with them. I don’t know where I’d be today if it wasn’t for my friends, but I’m guessing it wouldn’t be as good.

This is no ode to friendship. I really hope I’ll find better ways to thank my friends in the future. This is rather an acknowledgement of how limited I am as an individual and how much of my happiness depends on other people. So, if you don’t have friends like that, you better go look for some. Every minute you spend with people that aren’t as great, is a minute lost of the best times of your life.

Things I miss about Germany

forest

On Monday one of my friends from Germany, who was staying with us for 2 weeks, left to have a look at the rest of gorgeous New Zealand. This calls for a summary of all the things I miss and will keep on missing about my home country:

– Pretzels. They are yummy.

– My wardrobe. Yes. I admit it. Wearing the same 3 sweaters over and over and over (and over and OVER AND OOOOOVER) again bores me. Still not a validation for shopping excessively, but I admit that having a bit of a selection accumulating over the years was nice.

– The Luit. That’s the flat containing the highest density of my friends (living there and dropping by) in my hometown. I miss having reciprocal therapy sessions at the kitchen table, huuuuge breakfasts with fresh Brötchen, watching movies while being piled up with all my friends on the enormous couch (though a certain cough of a certain someone tends to ruin the best movie moments), desperately trying to smoke out of the window without falling out of the window, and so on… *sigh*

– Decent beer. I’m becoming a wine person here. Never thought that could happen.

– The forest. I love the indigenous trees of New Zealand and  there isn’t much that can beat the mountains-and-sea-landscapes of this country, but nothing makes me feel more at peace with myself and more at home than walking through German fairytale forests with my dog yelping somewhere in the undergrowth and native birds chirping over my head.

If this blog post was titled “People I miss in Germany”, I’d have a lot more to say. But it isn’t, and to be painfully honest, I can’t think of many things I miss about Germany. That’s a bit weird, eh? What do you guys miss when you go abroad? Don’t say bread, though, because I keep on finding the most amazing sour dough or pumpkin seed wholemeal bread in the dumpster. Full points for New Zealand on that one.